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Sunday, January 17, 2010

A Miscarriage

So, now i understand how it feels going through a miscarriage.

I am not sure why, but i wanted to write about how i felt and what i went through. Guess some people may choose to be more private about their experiences. i am not sure why i want to write so "publicly" about it ...

maybe to me, being able to "vent" and get my thoughts/feelings out of my system through writing is my way of coping with the loss, of grieving. and by making it "public", and by coming "face to face" with it, it forms part of the healing process.

and writing about it is also my way of remembering this little life, which no one saw/felt except me.

Thank God for His presence and comfort throughout, especially the day that i received the news. Hubbie being away, i went for my regular check-up alone. Actually, with a very smooth first pregnancy, i had expected a similarly smooth second one. although in the past year, i have had 2 frens in eindhoven who had miscarriages, the possibility of a miscarriage seemed "unreal".

with the knowledge that the baby is dead, and the decision to undergo the D&C on the same day, i had to call hubbie and my parents (cos they were not expecting to take care of kaira for longer than a couple of hours) to inform them. The grief struck home when i had to say the words "the baby is dead" to hubbie. oooooo, the sadness just welled within me and i needed a good cry. but i was in a public area, waiting for the nurses to give me medication and really, not the best place for a good cry.

i didn't have much time after that, about 1.5 hours to the scheduled procedure time. and most of that time was spent checking myself in for the procedure, taking blood pressure, signing documents etc, it was just like a series of motions -- emotionless. in between when i had time, i had to vent. i sms-ed a few close frens and my prayer sisters overseas. i needed to share my sorrow and i knew that i needed prayers and some comfort. thank God my close fren E volunteered to pick me up after the procedure, cos i didn't know how i will be feeling then.

anywayz, i had abit of time to digest everything whilst waiting for the D&C procedure to take place. especially lying on the trolley bed just outside the operating theatre! seemed like eternity but i think it was like 10 mins or so?? i am not sure.

thank God i didn't feel self pity or anything ;p i mean amazingly, i didn't entertain thoughts such as why am i alone going through all these, where is hubbie ? why did it happen? was it my fault? etc somehow, God's comforting presence and assurance was very strong throughout. in fact, i am not sure what really went through my mind while i was lying there on bed. just feeling sad about a life that was not going to be...... yet peaceful at the thought that since it was not perfectly formed in the first place, that God took it home first. And throughout, He seemed to be telling me that indeed, I am not alone for He is the omnipresent God. and nothing happened by chance. the foetus didn't survive not because it's a mistake. i may not understand the whys, but i can rest in the knowledge of a faithful and loving God.

[if u went through a miscarriage and is unfortunate to receive snide remarks/insinuations that it could possibly be something that you did/did not do/was exposed to that caused the miscarriage -- PLEASE REJECT THE LIE OF THE DEVIL IMMEDIATELY. you do not deserve such insensitive and ignorant and immature comments from the someone who sprouts such untruths! such guilt has no place!]

anywayz, after the GA was administered, the next thing i know, i woke up ard 3pm+. thank God i wasn't feeling giddy, nauseous or anything. again, spent the time alone in the hospital bed, while waiting for the doctor to come and check, digesting everything. and i am thankful for the time alone. i think i needed it. to come to terms with the situation myself before i "face" the world. so in between sms-es,i was praying and resting in the presence of Jesus, the lover of my soul.

and thank God for E, whose shoulders i can lean on and have a good cry. i needed that. even if it was only for a short while.

that night as i lay on bed to go to sleep, i had imagined that i would be sadder. surprisingly, the strength that arise from the faith in the almighty God, in the love of Jesus, was stronger than i expected.

That, I am grateful.

Jeremiah 31:13 :
I will turn their mourning into gladness;
I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow.

And so, i continue my journey, holding the hands of Jesus, my Saviour, my comfort.


Thicker Than Your Average said...

I've just been browsing through the blogs on here and came across this post - I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and am so sorry for your loss. I went through the same thing in August last year after three years of trying for my first - it is heartbreaking. The first few weeks were awful and I felt extremely bitter but I can say now, almost six months later that it does get easier and the people who (stupidly) at the time said things like, you can try again, at least you know it can happen etc - were probably right in an insensitive way :)

All the best honey x

Thicker Than Your Average said...
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