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Thursday, February 09, 2006

significance . . . . . .

i mentioned earlier that i was going to write something with regards to the recent chinese new year trip back home. of course i enjoyed the time that we had with our family and meeting up with old frens etc etc . . . . but one thing that irked me particularly this year is that lots of relatives asked about whether we are planning to have children.

wellz, i do understand that they mean well. and i also understand that my in-laws and parents probably also desire to have grandchildren. my parents - wellz - maybe they have accepted that i am just how i am. my in-laws - they are probably too "shy" to ask me about it.

but that aside, maybe also because we've already been married for 8 years - and somehow, everybody (especially hubbie's relatives) decided that it's about time - - that they start being "concerned" (i wanted to use the word n***y -- but nay, they are just "concern" [sarcarsm]).

i think what irked me most, is not so much their "concerns" -- but rather, my response to the their questions. to be honest, i was quite irritated by it. maybe i didn't expect myself to feel that way. maybe i've always thought that i don't really care about the opinions of others. but then again, maybe i do care. do they think that my hubbie is impotent? or that i have problems conceiving? or do they think that we are selfish? or that our marriage is in some sort of trouble?

tsk tsk -- this is getting so familiar -- appears that i do place my significance on the "approval" of others? or on how others see me??

I am going through this study "search for siginificance" recently - and i pray that my significance will indeed be rooted in my position in Christ, who I am in Him. Easier said than done, but it's a process, which i am going through . . . . .years ago i thought i settled that issue. but u know, such things is not a "one-off" event - - it's a journey - - it's about growing in the Lord and responding each day as He would. thereby finding that freedom in Him.

in fact, recently, i think God is purposefully putting me in situations where i really have to examine my heart -- and honestly ask myself, in whom do i find significance? and how will i lead my life?

i hope that indeed i will be like Paul, who has fought the good fight and finished the race.

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